Saving My Sanity with Routine Charts

Isaac is a good-hearted, well-intentioned boy who simply lacks focus. Early on I found he could not follow multiple directions. I could not say "Pick up your toys, put your pajamas on, use the toilet, and brush your teeth" and then expect him to do it without follow-up. I had to tell him to do one thing at a time, sometimes more than once...several times a day. I felt like I was constantly nagging him in the mornings, after school, and at bedtime. I often felt irritated and frustrated with him, but even more so with myself because I really didn't think his lollygagging was intentional. I called him Pokey Little Puppy. Needless to say, our relationship has often been bitter-sweet as we love each other but also have driven each other crazy.

For a couple of years now, I've considered making him "to do" lists to follow each morning, but I resisted for several reasons. Primarily, I didn't think it would work. Two weeks ago, however, I became inspired by amy-newnostalgia.blogspot.com to give it a shot. I used http://dltk-cards.com/chart/ for templates to make computer-generated routine charts. I've made one for weekday mornings, after school, evenings, weekend/holiday mornings, and extra chores. I laminated each chart and stapled them to a bulletin board hung in his room. A dry erase marker sits on top for his use. I erase them every Sunday, and then he starts over.

Let me tell you--this has changed my life! My 10-year-old son loves being able to follow his charts to see his progress. The nagging has almost entirely stopped. He told me he feels like a grown-up now. My stress has gone down tremendously. He may not have any "screen time" after school or on weekend mornings until his chart is complete for that time of day. I've also linked his charts with allowance. Isaac has never had an allowance before, but I believe it's time for him to learn to manage his own money. Now on Sundays I give him four dollars. One dollar goes into a "charity" envelope. He can give it to church the next weekend or save it for another cause. Another dollar goes into a "savings" envelope. This will eventually go into a savings account at a bank that he will draw from to pay for his college books. The remaining two dollars are his to spend or save as he sees fit. However, for every "hole" on his charts for the week, he loses 25 cents. He may earn additional money by doing tasks on the extra chores chart.

Here is what I put on each chart:

Weekday Morning Routine

Get dressed

Comb hair

Eat breakfast

Dishes in dishwasher
Brush teeth

Make bed

Fill water bottle

After School Routine

Put away shoes/jacket

Empty water bottle and lunch bag

Eat snack

Clean up snack

Homework

Evening Routine

Pick up living room

Take bath

Pajamas

Brush teeth
Wipe sink

Clean eyeglasses

Weekend/Holiday Morning Routine

Just like weekday morning, but no water bottle, and I added reading, spelling practice, other homework (if needed), and pick up bedroom.

Homework Help

When it comes to their attitudes toward school and approaches to homework, my two boys couldn't be more different. The oldest is an introvert. He loves learning and is a high achiever, now excelling in his first year of college. I rarely needed to help him with homework, and it was not a stressful experience for either of us. As soon as he got home from school, he did his homework with no prompting and finished it quickly.

My youngest son is an extrovert. His favorite parts of school are daycare before and after school, recess, lunch, and PE because he gets to play and interact with his friends. He's bright and capable like his brother, but to sit down and do math, practice spelling words, and writing essays is "boring" and tedious to him. He is now almost done with fourth grade and has only recently begun to do homework with little to no prompting. Up through the beginning of this year, it was a horrendous, stressful battle for both of us. I dreaded Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays after school because those are homework days. I work as a learning specialist for a middle/high school, and I felt like a failure with my own son. It's easier telling other parents how to help their kids and when to back off--much harder when it's my own kid!

I don't know for sure what has changed my son's attitude toward homework, but I believe most of it is growing maturity. Beyond that, I credit the following:

1. Homework is a non-negotiable--for the most part (I'll get to that in #3). It's a priority in our household and comes before any "screen" time. I've heard many parents say that their kids need a break after school before doing homework. I agree to an extent (see #2), but I believe that unless the child lives right next door to the school, the walk or drive home has already been a long enough break. I expect my children to begin homework within the first 15 minutes after arriving home while their brains are still in learning mode. If I let them watch TV or play video games first, it is much harder to get their brains refocused for school work.

2. Before beginning homework, my son has a few tasks: Empty his lunch bag and water bottle, put his shoes away, hang up his jacket, eat a relatively healthy snack with some protein and/or complex carbs (think apple slices and peanut butter, skim milk, fat free Fig Newtons, string cheese, yogurt, Wheat Thins, etc.), and clean up the snack. This takes about 15 minutes, and then it's time to crack the books.

3. My son began to turn a corner when he realized that I was on his side and would advocate on his behalf if I believe the day's homework load was unreasonable or if extenuating circumstances made homework a low priority on a (rare) given day. After talking with his teacher, she agreed that I could jot a note letting her know that he did not do all his homework, why he didn't, when he would get to it, and what he needed to accomplish it (if extra help was required). I've only had to do this a couple of times this school year, but those times went a long way for convincing my son that I had his back--that HE was more important to me than his accomplishments. However, he did not get screen time those days. He could still play with Legos or with other toys, but no TV or video games.

4. I praise hard work when he brings home high scores on tests and assignments. I tell him how proud I am of him. I ignore most of his lower scores. Over time, the high scores have increased as he's experienced the pride of doing well, and the low scores have decreased.

5. My son likes it when homework is turned into a game. I've googled "math games", "pronoun games", "states and capitals games", and other such topics to find online games he can play to strengthen his knowledge and skills. I am nearby to make sure he's actually learning and understanding. In addition to online spelling games, I've used an individual white board with him for spelling practice. He responds to that much better than practicing with a pencil on notebook paper. He's enjoyed challenges using the kitchen timer as well. I set the timer for 10 minutes and challenge him to complete five math problems or answer five chapter review questions within that time.

6. I've created a homework zone for him. A bookcase in my dining room contains everything he needs to organize and complete homework: Notebook paper, pencils, pens, eraser, glue sticks, scissors, markers, colored pencils, dictionary, extra folders, hole punch, hole reinforcers, pencil sharpener (preferably electric or battery-powered). The computer and a stapler are nearby. Everything he needs is easy to find and use to cut down on frustration.

Rebellion Prevention Tips

I've been a little nervous to post parenting tips because I don't feel in any way that I'm an expert. I've made a ton of mistakes. But I have raised one responsible, respectful son and am pleased with how son number two is turning out as well. I must have done some things right. I raise my kids with the motto "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion." Of course without any rules or discipline, many kids will behave like little savages and make dangerous choices as teenagers. However, if I give my boys rules but don't cultivate my relationship with them, I can expect just as much bad behavior in the form of rebellion. The following are some things I've done to keep the relationship I have with my boys on a positive note:

1. I've picked my battles, depending on their age. Some things are non-negotiable such as teeth brushing and no hitting. If I want to say "no" just because it's more convenient for me, then I shut my mouth and let them do what they want (such as scatter Legos all over their bedroom floor). If I say "no" out of habit, it will just frustrate them, and they will be more likely to battle me over the things that really do matter.

2. As they grow older, I allow more independence and give more responsibility so that by the time they're 18, I can treat them as adults in my home. By fourth grade, both my boys were capable of making their own breakfasts and lunches. As they grew older, their bedtimes became later. By high school, I no longer enforced my older son's bedtime at all. He got up and was ready on time every morning and maintained good grades, so no bedtime was necessary. He no longer had a curfew by 17, except for what was required by state law. He still had to tell me where he was going and when he'd be home. I also lifted my restriction of certain movies, TV shows, and books as he grew older. I just asked that he respect the values of our home, and he agreed.

3. Teaching at a middle and high school, I have witnessed many broken relationships between teens and their parents. One night as I was putting my oldest son to bed when he was about six or seven years old, I was struck by how much he loved and trusted me in that moment. I thought, "How can I keep him feeling this way into his teenage years?" I decided to monitor the temperature of our relationship on a daily basis. The Bible instructs us in Ephesians 4:26 not to let the sun go down while we are still angry. We usually think of that verse in relation to marriage, but why not apply it to our children? Those teenagers at my school who are angry with their parents were not born that way. Something triggered it. Mostly likely it began with a fight. Angry words were said, maybe on both sides. They went to bed angry and got up the next day, still angry. Day went into day, but that relationship of love and trust were never restored. Instead, hurt piled onto hurt. That doesn't mean I don't set limits with my kids so that they won't be angry with me. It means setting limits that are reasonable (see #1) and then reminding them of my love when they're upset with me: "I know you don't like me right now. That's OK. I still like you, and I have enough love for both of us."

I look awful in the picture below, but I love it. My son was so grumpy that evening at the fair, and I'm loving him right out of his funk. He was in a good mood by the time we were ready to go home.

4. I make a habit of catching them doing something good and praising them for it. I point out the specific thing I saw them do, and I commend them with sincerity. I make an extra effort to point out those things that show good character: kindness, responsibility, honesty, integrity, hard work, etc. Instead of saying, "You're so smart" when I see a good test grade, I say, "I can tell you really studied hard for this test." In addition to praising them for specific things they do, I give them messages telling them I love them just for who they are: "I'm so glad I'm your mom. I love having you for a son." I greet them with a smile and hug or kiss when they get home form school and when they get up in the morning. I do this even if I'm tired and wish they'd slept in longer. I let them know by actions as well as words that I like their company. Of course, it's important that kids feel loved, but I believe it's just as important that kids feel LIKED by their parents.

5. I become involved in what they are interested in. I can't emphasize how beneficial this has been in relationship building with my boys. When Mitchell was about nine, he got his first video game system, a handheld "Game Boy." He began to drive me crazy talking about the games ALL THE TIME. I had no experience playing these games, I didn't understand what he was telling me, and most of all, I was not interested. One day I decided that if it was important to him, I would try to become more interested by learning how to play it. I borrowed his Game Boy and had him try to teach me how to play the game. It was hopeless. I tried for probably 20 minutes, but I just didn't get it. I could tell Mitchell was getting annoyed with my constant questions, so I finally gave up. Years later he told me that he remembered those 20 minutes because it meant so much to him that I was trying to connect with what was important to him. It was much easier when he was a teenager and became interested in guitar playing, songwriting, and singing. I am probably his biggest fan. Now it looks like I need to start watching football in the fall since that became a new interest for Isaac last season.

Update

Wow. It's been a long time since I've posted, and so much has happened. Some of it is good stuff: I got to go to Europe with Mitchell for a choir trip, and it was an amazing experience. The countryside in Switzerland is the most beautiful place I've ever seen. I miss it. Since some of my ancestors are Swiss, I wonder if there is some sort of genetic pull there for me. It reminds me of a dream I had of Heaven, and I told Alan I'd like my ashes to be set free in the foothills of the Swiss alps.

Another highlight of my summer was Isaac finally learning to ride his bike and then pushing his dad and me to go riding with him nearly every day. I didn't go as often as Alan did, but I truly enjoyed the times I did go. Twice we went to Minto Brown together and had a wonderful ride in the sunshine. We also went to an area closer to our house with a lot of bike trails. It used to belong to Fairview, an organization that works with people with developmental delays. It was closed and the property purchased by a developer. Unfortunately for the developer, the economy has led to a lack of sales. Fortunately for us, the roads and bike trails are all paved, yet the population is so low that we usually get to use them by ourselves.

After my last post, we finally got a diagnosis for my mom. It's Lewy Body Dementia.
For more information about this disease, go to  www.lbda.org.

I'm still plagued with doubts. What if it's not? What if she's simply overmedicated? What if it's something curable? But we've explored all those avenues, and the specialists all tell us that there is nothing we can do except try to slow it down with medication and wait for the end. I've struggled with depression since May. It's a hard diagnosis to face. It's the second most common dementia after Alzheimer's, but it's more devastating. Not only does it kill sooner, but the end is drug out and exceptionally hard on the families. If it follows its normal course, Mom will become hostile and have hallucinations. So far that hasn't happened, thank God. She'll lose her ability to walk and to bathe and dress herself. She'll probably need to wear Depends and be changed and cleaned up by her care takers. In the very end, she will choke and possibly vomit when eating. She may not be able to speak or if she can, she may not recognize us. All of that is going to be too much for my dad to handle who is in poor health himself. Will she go to a care home? Will I have to quit my job to make sure she's cared for properly? Will dad be able to live alone, or can he go with her? So many unknowns.

Soon after we got that diagnosis, dad's heart rate and blood pressure became so low that he had to go immediately to the hospital and had a pacemaker put in. I left for Europe soon after that. Three weeks after I came home, on August 2, my brother-in-law Lynn died unexpectedly in his sleep. My sister needed a lot of help after his death (and will probably always need help in different ways--yardwork, financial, car repair, etc.). Her friends and church and other relatives helped in the immediate aftermath, but I'm not sure how much longer others can help her. I worry about the stress it places on my dad because he's trying to do as much as he can to help her now that Lynn is gone. But before that, Lynn was helping Dad with his yardwork. I feel like there is now too much need in our family and not enough strength/time/money to meet all the needs. It's stressful, to say the least. We're out of balance.

God is good. I claim that. I believe that. Despite my circumstances, I have faith that God will provide and equip me and others to persevere through this time. Mom used to tell me that when the hard times come, God gives us resources we didn't know we had. I trust she's right about that. Faith is a good legacy to have.

The Guilt Trip

Isaac's school auction is coming up a week from tonight. Some stay-at-home moms whose children attend Sonshine have been working hard on it. I appreciate their hard work. I want to be supportive. I was the first or second parent in Isaac's class to donate items for the themed basket they plan to auction off. However, I keep seeing requests to volunteer and reminders to order tickets. I feel obligated to do so, but I know that life is too crazy right now to commit to much more than doctor's appointments. I decided that I would buy tickets the day before the auction if it turns out that I can go.

Anyway, today one of the auction coordinators asked me to order tickets when I picked up Isaac after school. I told her that my life is pretty insane right now. She responded, "Yes, I know. Mine is too." I thought to myself, "You may think you know, but lady...you have no idea!" I don't know her, so I didn't want to go into why my life is insane. But I resent her comment because basically, she was saying (in my interpretation), "Yeah, right. We're all busy. Look at me--I'm doing all the work here. You're just a slacker."

I wonder if she has to clean two houses and grocery shop for two households every weekend.  I wonder if she has to plan and prepare low sodium/low saturated fat/low vitamin K/low cholesterol meals for her parents several times a week. I wonder if she takes both of her parents to their frequent doctor appointments. I wonder if she has to pick up prescriptions and run other errands for her parents in the evenings. I wonder if she goes to 2 different churches every weekend--her own on Saturday nights and her parent's on Sundays. I know she doesn't work full time or have a busy teenager to run around.

I hope I don't sound like I'm whining. Life is insane now, but it will ease up in another 2-3 weeks. I just am a little sensitive right now to any implication that I'm a slacker. Two of my close friends (Dana and Jenni) want me to join them for dinner that night. You know what? I believe I will.

The Tattle Tale

I've been trying to impress upon Isaac the need to use a napkin instead of the front of his shirt to wipe his hands when eating. I realized he only got half the message the other night when we had this conversation:

Isaac: Mama, I've got to tell you something. Mitchell wipes his hands on his pants when he's eating potato chips.
Me (in mock horror): NO! That's terrible!
Isaac: Not me, though. I just lick 'em.

"They Are so Lucky to Have You"

I have heard this a few times this past week from people who are impressed that I'm caring for my parents during their health crises. It always kind of surprises and saddens me. Every aging person should have someone who cares enough about their welfare to help them, but so many have no one. I don't necessarily feel like I "owe" it to my parents because that makes it sound like I'm a reluctant helper. It's more like a great opportunity that I have to return the love and care they gave me as I was growing up. So really, my desire to help them speaks mostly to how great they were as parents when I was young. You see, I was so lucky to have them. What was so great about them? I'll just list some highlights:

1. They both had high expectations for me and raised me to believe I could do anything I wanted to with my life.
2. They spent time with me--reading to me, playing with me, taking me places, watching my "performances."
3. They loved me even when I was unlovable.
4. They taught me not to harbor prejudices or see people as stereotypes.
5. They raised me to be (mostly) independent. (I still haven't changed my own oil or tires or mowed the lawn).

My sister is very different from me but equally loved. She helps as much as she can but has less "flexibility" in her work and family than I do. They are lucky to have her, too. So am I. My goal is to give my boys the same kinds of love my parents gave us, even though they are very different from each other, too.

Dad is Home, but I'm Not

My dad came home from the hospital Monday (today is Wednesday). I've spent the night at their house since then and will continue through Sunday night. Isaac is staying with me since he doesn't have school this week and this way, Alan doesn't have to worry about getting him up and dressed and over to me in the mornings. Isaac and I have been sharing a double bed. He grinds his teeth in his sleep, over and over. His dentist told me she could tell he was a teeth grinder, but I had no idea it was this bad! No wonder his baby teeth are worn down to nubs. He gets two more pulled tomorrow for a total of 8 in the past month! One for each year of age. Poor little guy. But now his permanents can come in. Maybe when that pressure is off his gums he'll quit grinding.

I got to come home for a few hours this evening while my sister stays with our parents. Mitchell came home from Santa Fe today and arrived to our house just a few minutes ago (it's 7:30 at night now). He has to leave for choir tour at about 7:00 tomorrow morning. I need to wash a few loads of clothes and help get him packed for tour before going back to my parents' house tonight. In the morning, my aunt will come stay with my parents so that I can take Mitchell to meet the tour bus. A friend from my parents' church will come a little later in the morning so that I can take Isaac to the dentist.

Dad's really not that bad off now. The home health nurse came today and said he's doing great. It's just that if Mom needs help, he can't do much for her right now. We just never know from day to day how bad she'll be. Sometimes she falls down and has trouble getting back up. She forgets her words. She has trouble talking on the phone. Today she said she needed something new, but all she could do was indicate with her hands what she was looking for. She finally described it as "A thing to wipe down the aisles." What she meant was a squeegie to wipe down the shower walls.

We do have a bit of hope. Just the tiniest sliver that we're trying not to let get too big in case we're later disappointed. My sister knows someone with normal pressure hydrocephalus, and the symptoms sound much like Mom's. This particular condition is treated by putting a shunt into the brain to drain off the excess fluid into the abdomen where it can be absorbed. If found early enough (that might be our downfall), she could return to normal. It's too good to be true. I so desperately want to hear that this is the answer! I want my mom back!!! I called her doctor and made an appointment for next week to look into this.