One of my most hated chores has become meal planning, especially during the school year. I like to do it weekly and shop for the entire week so that I always know what's for dinner and have all the items I need at hand. I tried shopping on Fridays on my way home from school this past year, so Thursday nights, often when I was already dead tired, I had to try to figure out what to serve for dinner the following week. What a headache. This summer I finally came up with a way to simplify it. It was a lot of work up front, but it will save me the weekly stress of planning. I've used it for seven weeks now this summer and love it!
First, I wrote down the name of the recipes I use most often from my cookbooks. It's funny how I have over 3 dozen cookbooks (I counted), but I use just a few recipes regularly from only about ten of them. I really should purge, but it's so hard to part with cookbooks!
Next, I pulled the recipe cards I use most often. My favorite recipes in the past few years have come from allrecipes.com, so many of my "recipe cards" are actually printouts from that site. Altogether, I pulled together about 50 recipes--dishes I cook several times throughout the year.
I then made a meal planning template and began to plan. I decided to use a system: Crock pot Sundays, Mexican Mondays, Soup Tuesdays, Pasta Wednesdays, Anything Goes Thursdays, and Pizza Fridays. We always go out on Saturday nights after church. I chose to serve beef or pork/ham just once a week, chicken twice a week, and fish or vegetarian twice a week, not counting pizza night. I plugged in the names of the main dishes as well as side dishes for nine weeks worth of meals. On most weeks, I also have alternates listed to allow for more variety.
On the templates, I included the page numbers of the recipes I use from cookbooks. I didn't include the cookbook title because I can remember without it. I put the recipe cards in quart-sized zip lock baggies labeled by the week (Week 1 through Week 9). I put the baggies of recipes in a pencil bag like students clip into their binders, and I keep that alongside my cookbooks.
Each week on the night before I plan to go grocery shopping, I simply look at the week's plan, pull out the baggie for the week, and check the recipe cards and cookbook recipes for ingredients to write on my grocery list. I keep most nonperishables and frozen meats on stock at all times--as soon as I take something out of the freezer or pantry, I write it down on my grocery list--so I usually just have to add fresh produce and dairy products to my list for the week's meals.
I actually have begun to make a document listing the ingredients for each recipe so that I can just look at that, but it's far from finished. I might have to work on that next summer since this one is almost over, and it's back to school for me. At least now with this system I have one less thing to stress about each week.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Mom is Free
Eulogy
for Mom
Thelma
Blackstone
February 13, 1944-June 15, 2012
February 13, 1944-June 15, 2012
For
as long as I can remember, whenever anyone has asked me whom I most admire, or
who is the most influential person in my life, or who is my hero, my answer has
been “my mom.” I’ve tried to put into words why this is, and I’ve found it
difficult. It all sounds so trite on paper in light of who she was and what she
meant to me.
She was wise,
gentle, loving, and curious about the world, and I admired those traits about
her most. She loved all people, not just those who looked like her or experienced
life in the same way she did. Differences in cultures and beliefs didn’t scare
her, they interested her. I’m not sure what scared her, if anything. She embraced
life as it came. She loved going out and doing things, taking my sister and me,
and later our children, along for the fun.
Together we went to countless plays, musicals, concerts, fairs, movies,
teas, exhibits, tours, and fun classes. She also loved parties, attending them
as well as throwing them. Her favorite parties involved costumes.
I admired the way
she balanced work and family life. She went to college for the first time when
my sister and I were little, eventually earning her Bachelor of Science degree
in nursing. I remember Dad was so proud of her 4.0’s. As a nurse, she was
well-respected and loved and became nurse manager for a time. After she got
sick, we met more than one nurse who had worked with her at the Salem Hospital,
and they all spoke of her fondly. One of them said, “She was the best boss I
ever had.” I’m sure many more felt that same way. But despite her dedication to
her job, she was still actively involved in the lives of my sister and me. We
didn’t ever feel neglected or in her way. We were treasured daughters to the
end.
Even toward the
end of her life, she was a hero. She tried so hard to continue doing the things
she was used to doing, even when her body and mind would no longer cooperate.
It would have been easier for her to sit down and stop trying, but she was
determined to keep going. While it is common for people with her condition to
become angry and hostile, Mom remained consistently loving and gentle as she
always had been. She is my inspiration for who I most want to be like.
I always knew my
mom was a hero, but through this experience I learned that I was actually
raised by two heroes. My dad’s dedication to Mom these past few years has been
nothing short of heroic. I’ve read about love like that before and have
probably seen it in a few movies, but with this experience, I saw it played out
before my very eyes. I want my dad to know how deeply grateful I am for how
lovingly he treated Mom during her illness, caring for her physical and
emotional needs and doing everything he could to preserve her dignity.
I’m also grateful
to my aunts, uncles, and cousins who have been so supportive during this time,
especially Aunt Lorene who gave so much of her time to Mom. I’m grateful to
Dad’s church family and mine for all their love and support, as well as friends
and co-workers. And I’m grateful to the staff at Farmington Square who so
lovingly cared for Mom since September. Most of all, I’m grateful to Alan,
Mitchell, and Isaac who have been unfailingly patient, loving, and supportive
as so much of my attention lately has been on my mom.
Now I have to get
used to life without seeing her or touching her, and that’s still hard to
imagine. But she once told me something that has proven true in my life time
and time again. We were talking about my grandmas, both of whom had to bury a
young son. I told her I didn’t know how they could bear it. She said that when
I go through hard times, I’ll discover resources both within myself and
surrounding me that I didn’t even know I had. So far she’s been right, so once
again, I draw on those resources: my family and friends, and most of all, my
Lord. She’s with Him now, and the door to Heaven has been cracked a little
wider for me. When the time is right, I eagerly anticipate joining her there.
I’m sure she’s busy planning a party for me. I can’t imagine what’s on the
menu, but we’ll probably be wearing costumes.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Saving My Sanity with Routine Charts
Isaac is a good-hearted, well-intentioned boy who simply lacks focus. Early on I found he could not follow multiple directions. I could not say "Pick up your toys, put your pajamas on, use the toilet, and brush your teeth" and then expect him to do it without follow-up. I had to tell him to do one thing at a time, sometimes more than once...several times a day. I felt like I was constantly nagging him in the mornings, after school, and at bedtime. I often felt irritated and frustrated with him, but even more so with myself because I really didn't think his lollygagging was intentional. I called him Pokey Little Puppy. Needless to say, our relationship has often been bitter-sweet as we love each other but also have driven each other crazy.
For a couple of years now, I've considered making him "to do" lists to follow each morning, but I resisted for several reasons. Primarily, I didn't think it would work. Two weeks ago, however, I became inspired by amy-newnostalgia.blogspot.com to give it a shot. I used http://dltk-cards.com/chart/ for templates to make computer-generated routine charts. I've made one for weekday mornings, after school, evenings, weekend/holiday mornings, and extra chores. I laminated each chart and stapled them to a bulletin board hung in his room. A dry erase marker sits on top for his use. I erase them every Sunday, and then he starts over.
Let me tell you--this has changed my life! My 10-year-old son loves being able to follow his charts to see his progress. The nagging has almost entirely stopped. He told me he feels like a grown-up now. My stress has gone down tremendously. He may not have any "screen time" after school or on weekend mornings until his chart is complete for that time of day. I've also linked his charts with allowance. Isaac has never had an allowance before, but I believe it's time for him to learn to manage his own money. Now on Sundays I give him four dollars. One dollar goes into a "charity" envelope. He can give it to church the next weekend or save it for another cause. Another dollar goes into a "savings" envelope. This will eventually go into a savings account at a bank that he will draw from to pay for his college books. The remaining two dollars are his to spend or save as he sees fit. However, for every "hole" on his charts for the week, he loses 25 cents. He may earn additional money by doing tasks on the extra chores chart.
Here is what I put on each chart:
For a couple of years now, I've considered making him "to do" lists to follow each morning, but I resisted for several reasons. Primarily, I didn't think it would work. Two weeks ago, however, I became inspired by amy-newnostalgia.blogspot.com to give it a shot. I used http://dltk-cards.com/chart/ for templates to make computer-generated routine charts. I've made one for weekday mornings, after school, evenings, weekend/holiday mornings, and extra chores. I laminated each chart and stapled them to a bulletin board hung in his room. A dry erase marker sits on top for his use. I erase them every Sunday, and then he starts over.
Let me tell you--this has changed my life! My 10-year-old son loves being able to follow his charts to see his progress. The nagging has almost entirely stopped. He told me he feels like a grown-up now. My stress has gone down tremendously. He may not have any "screen time" after school or on weekend mornings until his chart is complete for that time of day. I've also linked his charts with allowance. Isaac has never had an allowance before, but I believe it's time for him to learn to manage his own money. Now on Sundays I give him four dollars. One dollar goes into a "charity" envelope. He can give it to church the next weekend or save it for another cause. Another dollar goes into a "savings" envelope. This will eventually go into a savings account at a bank that he will draw from to pay for his college books. The remaining two dollars are his to spend or save as he sees fit. However, for every "hole" on his charts for the week, he loses 25 cents. He may earn additional money by doing tasks on the extra chores chart.
Here is what I put on each chart:
Weekday Morning Routine
Get dressed
Comb hair
Eat breakfast
Dishes in dishwasher
Brush teeth
Brush teeth
Make bed
Fill water bottle
After School Routine
Put away shoes/jacket
Empty water bottle and lunch bag
Eat snack
Clean up snack
Homework
Evening Routine
Pick up living room
Take bath
Pajamas
Brush teeth
Wipe sink
Wipe sink
Clean eyeglasses
Weekend/Holiday Morning Routine
Just like weekday morning, but no water bottle, and I added reading, spelling practice, other homework (if needed), and pick up bedroom.
Homework Help
When it comes to their attitudes toward school and approaches to homework, my two boys couldn't be more different. The oldest is an introvert. He loves learning and is a high achiever, now excelling in his first year of college. I rarely needed to help him with homework, and it was not a stressful experience for either of us. As soon as he got home from school, he did his homework with no prompting and finished it quickly.
My youngest son is an extrovert. His favorite parts of school are daycare before and after school, recess, lunch, and PE because he gets to play and interact with his friends. He's bright and capable like his brother, but to sit down and do math, practice spelling words, and writing essays is "boring" and tedious to him. He is now almost done with fourth grade and has only recently begun to do homework with little to no prompting. Up through the beginning of this year, it was a horrendous, stressful battle for both of us. I dreaded Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays after school because those are homework days. I work as a learning specialist for a middle/high school, and I felt like a failure with my own son. It's easier telling other parents how to help their kids and when to back off--much harder when it's my own kid!
I don't know for sure what has changed my son's attitude toward homework, but I believe most of it is growing maturity. Beyond that, I credit the following:
1. Homework is a non-negotiable--for the most part (I'll get to that in #3). It's a priority in our household and comes before any "screen" time. I've heard many parents say that their kids need a break after school before doing homework. I agree to an extent (see #2), but I believe that unless the child lives right next door to the school, the walk or drive home has already been a long enough break. I expect my children to begin homework within the first 15 minutes after arriving home while their brains are still in learning mode. If I let them watch TV or play video games first, it is much harder to get their brains refocused for school work.
2. Before beginning homework, my son has a few tasks: Empty his lunch bag and water bottle, put his shoes away, hang up his jacket, eat a relatively healthy snack with some protein and/or complex carbs (think apple slices and peanut butter, skim milk, fat free Fig Newtons, string cheese, yogurt, Wheat Thins, etc.), and clean up the snack. This takes about 15 minutes, and then it's time to crack the books.
3. My son began to turn a corner when he realized that I was on his side and would advocate on his behalf if I believe the day's homework load was unreasonable or if extenuating circumstances made homework a low priority on a (rare) given day. After talking with his teacher, she agreed that I could jot a note letting her know that he did not do all his homework, why he didn't, when he would get to it, and what he needed to accomplish it (if extra help was required). I've only had to do this a couple of times this school year, but those times went a long way for convincing my son that I had his back--that HE was more important to me than his accomplishments. However, he did not get screen time those days. He could still play with Legos or with other toys, but no TV or video games.
4. I praise hard work when he brings home high scores on tests and assignments. I tell him how proud I am of him. I ignore most of his lower scores. Over time, the high scores have increased as he's experienced the pride of doing well, and the low scores have decreased.
5. My son likes it when homework is turned into a game. I've googled "math games", "pronoun games", "states and capitals games", and other such topics to find online games he can play to strengthen his knowledge and skills. I am nearby to make sure he's actually learning and understanding. In addition to online spelling games, I've used an individual white board with him for spelling practice. He responds to that much better than practicing with a pencil on notebook paper. He's enjoyed challenges using the kitchen timer as well. I set the timer for 10 minutes and challenge him to complete five math problems or answer five chapter review questions within that time.
6. I've created a homework zone for him. A bookcase in my dining room contains everything he needs to organize and complete homework: Notebook paper, pencils, pens, eraser, glue sticks, scissors, markers, colored pencils, dictionary, extra folders, hole punch, hole reinforcers, pencil sharpener (preferably electric or battery-powered). The computer and a stapler are nearby. Everything he needs is easy to find and use to cut down on frustration.
My youngest son is an extrovert. His favorite parts of school are daycare before and after school, recess, lunch, and PE because he gets to play and interact with his friends. He's bright and capable like his brother, but to sit down and do math, practice spelling words, and writing essays is "boring" and tedious to him. He is now almost done with fourth grade and has only recently begun to do homework with little to no prompting. Up through the beginning of this year, it was a horrendous, stressful battle for both of us. I dreaded Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays after school because those are homework days. I work as a learning specialist for a middle/high school, and I felt like a failure with my own son. It's easier telling other parents how to help their kids and when to back off--much harder when it's my own kid!
I don't know for sure what has changed my son's attitude toward homework, but I believe most of it is growing maturity. Beyond that, I credit the following:
1. Homework is a non-negotiable--for the most part (I'll get to that in #3). It's a priority in our household and comes before any "screen" time. I've heard many parents say that their kids need a break after school before doing homework. I agree to an extent (see #2), but I believe that unless the child lives right next door to the school, the walk or drive home has already been a long enough break. I expect my children to begin homework within the first 15 minutes after arriving home while their brains are still in learning mode. If I let them watch TV or play video games first, it is much harder to get their brains refocused for school work.
2. Before beginning homework, my son has a few tasks: Empty his lunch bag and water bottle, put his shoes away, hang up his jacket, eat a relatively healthy snack with some protein and/or complex carbs (think apple slices and peanut butter, skim milk, fat free Fig Newtons, string cheese, yogurt, Wheat Thins, etc.), and clean up the snack. This takes about 15 minutes, and then it's time to crack the books.
3. My son began to turn a corner when he realized that I was on his side and would advocate on his behalf if I believe the day's homework load was unreasonable or if extenuating circumstances made homework a low priority on a (rare) given day. After talking with his teacher, she agreed that I could jot a note letting her know that he did not do all his homework, why he didn't, when he would get to it, and what he needed to accomplish it (if extra help was required). I've only had to do this a couple of times this school year, but those times went a long way for convincing my son that I had his back--that HE was more important to me than his accomplishments. However, he did not get screen time those days. He could still play with Legos or with other toys, but no TV or video games.
4. I praise hard work when he brings home high scores on tests and assignments. I tell him how proud I am of him. I ignore most of his lower scores. Over time, the high scores have increased as he's experienced the pride of doing well, and the low scores have decreased.
5. My son likes it when homework is turned into a game. I've googled "math games", "pronoun games", "states and capitals games", and other such topics to find online games he can play to strengthen his knowledge and skills. I am nearby to make sure he's actually learning and understanding. In addition to online spelling games, I've used an individual white board with him for spelling practice. He responds to that much better than practicing with a pencil on notebook paper. He's enjoyed challenges using the kitchen timer as well. I set the timer for 10 minutes and challenge him to complete five math problems or answer five chapter review questions within that time.
6. I've created a homework zone for him. A bookcase in my dining room contains everything he needs to organize and complete homework: Notebook paper, pencils, pens, eraser, glue sticks, scissors, markers, colored pencils, dictionary, extra folders, hole punch, hole reinforcers, pencil sharpener (preferably electric or battery-powered). The computer and a stapler are nearby. Everything he needs is easy to find and use to cut down on frustration.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Working Full Time and Keeping a Clean House: Is it Possible?
I have attempted the impossible--keeping my house spotles while working full-time--and although I now accept the impossibility of spotlessness, at least I've picked up some helpful ideas along the way.
1. I've divided my weekly housekeeping into two categories: dusting and vacuuming is one, and bathroom cleaning is the other. I alternate those tasks on weekends. One weekend I'll thoroughly vacuum and dust. The next weekend I'll thoroughly clean the bathrooms. On the bathroom weekends, I'll just pick up visible debris on the carpets with my hands or vacuum only high traffic areas (no dusting). I use a sticky lint roller on my furniture to get up some of the cat fur. On the vacuum/dust weekends, I'll clean spots off the bathroom mirrors and wipe down sinks, counters, and toilets with a Clorox wipe (no shower or tub cleaning).
2. The kitchen is cleaned every evening after dinner--dishes washed and left in the drainer to air dry and put away in the morning; counters and stove wiped down; spots wiped on refrigerator, microwave, dishwasher, and cupboards (if noticed); floor swept and spot cleaned if necessary. Occasionally on the weekend I'll do a thorough mopping with a Swiffer Wet Jet mop.
3. I do one load of laundry every evening, right when I get home from work. Mondays = dark, Tuesdays = white, Wednesdays = red/orange/pink, Thursday = "catch up" if needed, Friday = dress clothes/delicates, Saturday = sheets/towels, Sunday = jeans.
4. I grocery shop on weekends, but I plan to switch that to Fridays on my way home from work. I keep a running shopping list on my refrigerator. Then I plan my menu for the week and add to my grocery list the night before I go. That cuts down on multiple trips to pick up forgotten items throughout the week. It also helps me to plan ahead to take items out of the freezer to thaw in the refrigerator a couple of days before needing them. I give myself a break on Friday nights by picking up an unbaked pizza, and on Saturday nights we go out to eat, taking turns choosing the restaurant.
5. Everyone in the family picks up his or her own items and puts them away before going to bed so clutter is kept to a minimum. Beds are made each morning by whomever slept in them.
6. Mail is dealt with daily: recycled, filed, or put in a "to do" pile which is done every weekend. I buy calendars with monthly pockets from the Current catalog in which I place items needed for later weeks or months such as season tickets for our local theater, field trip information, etc. I tried to do a link to these calendars, but it looks like the product may have been discontinued. If so, I'll switch to "Tickler Files." http://simplemom.net/clearing-the-counter-pile-with-a-tickler-file/.
7. Zone cleaning. I got this idea from Fly Lady http://www.flylady.com/d/zones/. I've made my own version of it to fit my house. For example, my one zone task for this week is to vacuum under and behind my living room furniture. This is one of my larger zone jobs, but it should only take about a half hour. I'll do it on Saturday. Last week's zone task was to clean out my bedroom shelves and drawers. I purge, organize, and straighten things. Since I do this every year, I usually don't have much to purge, so it really doesn't take long. I love how organized my nightstand is now! By working in zones, I literally purge, organize and clean my whole house once a year, but it's never a huge, overwhelming task. I confess that sometimes life works in a way that I may not get to three or four weeks of zone cleaning, and then I'll do them all at once. But since each task is relatively small, it's not too bad.
So...if you come to my house right now, you'll find some leftover cat fur on the furniture (it was just bathroom weekend), maybe some pine needles or other debris on the floor. There are probably some mirror splatters by now in the bathroom. A light film of dust covers all flat surfaces, but you won't notice it in most places unless you're looking for it. You'll find some dust bunnies behind my living room furniture and crumbs under the cushions of the sofa in my family room. The oven needs cleaning inside. But overall, it looks pretty good, and I'm content. Last weekend besides the bathrooms and a little zone cleaning, I read, went shopping for craft supplies (4 different stores!), did two different crafts, visited Pinterest and Facebook, cleaned out my email inbox, went to church, deep cleaned most of my dad's kitchen, did laundry, went out to dinner with friends, exercised both days, and had some quiet time with God both days. So...it is possible to work full-time, keep a clean (enough) house, and enjoy some fulfilling personal time. Just don't expect spotless unless you hire a housekeeping service.
1. I've divided my weekly housekeeping into two categories: dusting and vacuuming is one, and bathroom cleaning is the other. I alternate those tasks on weekends. One weekend I'll thoroughly vacuum and dust. The next weekend I'll thoroughly clean the bathrooms. On the bathroom weekends, I'll just pick up visible debris on the carpets with my hands or vacuum only high traffic areas (no dusting). I use a sticky lint roller on my furniture to get up some of the cat fur. On the vacuum/dust weekends, I'll clean spots off the bathroom mirrors and wipe down sinks, counters, and toilets with a Clorox wipe (no shower or tub cleaning).
2. The kitchen is cleaned every evening after dinner--dishes washed and left in the drainer to air dry and put away in the morning; counters and stove wiped down; spots wiped on refrigerator, microwave, dishwasher, and cupboards (if noticed); floor swept and spot cleaned if necessary. Occasionally on the weekend I'll do a thorough mopping with a Swiffer Wet Jet mop.
3. I do one load of laundry every evening, right when I get home from work. Mondays = dark, Tuesdays = white, Wednesdays = red/orange/pink, Thursday = "catch up" if needed, Friday = dress clothes/delicates, Saturday = sheets/towels, Sunday = jeans.
4. I grocery shop on weekends, but I plan to switch that to Fridays on my way home from work. I keep a running shopping list on my refrigerator. Then I plan my menu for the week and add to my grocery list the night before I go. That cuts down on multiple trips to pick up forgotten items throughout the week. It also helps me to plan ahead to take items out of the freezer to thaw in the refrigerator a couple of days before needing them. I give myself a break on Friday nights by picking up an unbaked pizza, and on Saturday nights we go out to eat, taking turns choosing the restaurant.
5. Everyone in the family picks up his or her own items and puts them away before going to bed so clutter is kept to a minimum. Beds are made each morning by whomever slept in them.
6. Mail is dealt with daily: recycled, filed, or put in a "to do" pile which is done every weekend. I buy calendars with monthly pockets from the Current catalog in which I place items needed for later weeks or months such as season tickets for our local theater, field trip information, etc. I tried to do a link to these calendars, but it looks like the product may have been discontinued. If so, I'll switch to "Tickler Files." http://simplemom.net/clearing-the-counter-pile-with-a-tickler-file/.
7. Zone cleaning. I got this idea from Fly Lady http://www.flylady.com/d/zones/. I've made my own version of it to fit my house. For example, my one zone task for this week is to vacuum under and behind my living room furniture. This is one of my larger zone jobs, but it should only take about a half hour. I'll do it on Saturday. Last week's zone task was to clean out my bedroom shelves and drawers. I purge, organize, and straighten things. Since I do this every year, I usually don't have much to purge, so it really doesn't take long. I love how organized my nightstand is now! By working in zones, I literally purge, organize and clean my whole house once a year, but it's never a huge, overwhelming task. I confess that sometimes life works in a way that I may not get to three or four weeks of zone cleaning, and then I'll do them all at once. But since each task is relatively small, it's not too bad.
So...if you come to my house right now, you'll find some leftover cat fur on the furniture (it was just bathroom weekend), maybe some pine needles or other debris on the floor. There are probably some mirror splatters by now in the bathroom. A light film of dust covers all flat surfaces, but you won't notice it in most places unless you're looking for it. You'll find some dust bunnies behind my living room furniture and crumbs under the cushions of the sofa in my family room. The oven needs cleaning inside. But overall, it looks pretty good, and I'm content. Last weekend besides the bathrooms and a little zone cleaning, I read, went shopping for craft supplies (4 different stores!), did two different crafts, visited Pinterest and Facebook, cleaned out my email inbox, went to church, deep cleaned most of my dad's kitchen, did laundry, went out to dinner with friends, exercised both days, and had some quiet time with God both days. So...it is possible to work full-time, keep a clean (enough) house, and enjoy some fulfilling personal time. Just don't expect spotless unless you hire a housekeeping service.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Rebellion Prevention Tips
I've been a little nervous to post parenting tips because I don't feel in any way that I'm an expert. I've made a ton of mistakes. But I have raised one responsible, respectful son and am pleased with how son number two is turning out as well. I must have done some things right. I raise my kids with the motto "Rules without relationship leads to rebellion." Of course without any rules or discipline, many kids will behave like little savages and make dangerous choices as teenagers. However, if I give my boys rules but don't cultivate my relationship with them, I can expect just as much bad behavior in the form of rebellion. The following are some things I've done to keep the relationship I have with my boys on a positive note:
1. I've picked my battles, depending on their age. Some things are non-negotiable such as teeth brushing and no hitting. If I want to say "no" just because it's more convenient for me, then I shut my mouth and let them do what they want (such as scatter Legos all over their bedroom floor). If I say "no" out of habit, it will just frustrate them, and they will be more likely to battle me over the things that really do matter.
2. As they grow older, I allow more independence and give more responsibility so that by the time they're 18, I can treat them as adults in my home. By fourth grade, both my boys were capable of making their own breakfasts and lunches. As they grew older, their bedtimes became later. By high school, I no longer enforced my older son's bedtime at all. He got up and was ready on time every morning and maintained good grades, so no bedtime was necessary. He no longer had a curfew by 17, except for what was required by state law. He still had to tell me where he was going and when he'd be home. I also lifted my restriction of certain movies, TV shows, and books as he grew older. I just asked that he respect the values of our home, and he agreed.
3. Teaching at a middle and high school, I have witnessed many broken relationships between teens and their parents. One night as I was putting my oldest son to bed when he was about six or seven years old, I was struck by how much he loved and trusted me in that moment. I thought, "How can I keep him feeling this way into his teenage years?" I decided to monitor the temperature of our relationship on a daily basis. The Bible instructs us in Ephesians 4:26 not to let the sun go down while we are still angry. We usually think of that verse in relation to marriage, but why not apply it to our children? Those teenagers at my school who are angry with their parents were not born that way. Something triggered it. Mostly likely it began with a fight. Angry words were said, maybe on both sides. They went to bed angry and got up the next day, still angry. Day went into day, but that relationship of love and trust were never restored. Instead, hurt piled onto hurt. That doesn't mean I don't set limits with my kids so that they won't be angry with me. It means setting limits that are reasonable (see #1) and then reminding them of my love when they're upset with me: "I know you don't like me right now. That's OK. I still like you, and I have enough love for both of us."
I look awful in the picture below, but I love it. My son was so grumpy that evening at the fair, and I'm loving him right out of his funk. He was in a good mood by the time we were ready to go home.
4. I make a habit of catching them doing something good and praising them for it. I point out the specific thing I saw them do, and I commend them with sincerity. I make an extra effort to point out those things that show good character: kindness, responsibility, honesty, integrity, hard work, etc. Instead of saying, "You're so smart" when I see a good test grade, I say, "I can tell you really studied hard for this test." In addition to praising them for specific things they do, I give them messages telling them I love them just for who they are: "I'm so glad I'm your mom. I love having you for a son." I greet them with a smile and hug or kiss when they get home form school and when they get up in the morning. I do this even if I'm tired and wish they'd slept in longer. I let them know by actions as well as words that I like their company. Of course, it's important that kids feel loved, but I believe it's just as important that kids feel LIKED by their parents.
5. I become involved in what they are interested in. I can't emphasize how beneficial this has been in relationship building with my boys. When Mitchell was about nine, he got his first video game system, a handheld "Game Boy." He began to drive me crazy talking about the games ALL THE TIME. I had no experience playing these games, I didn't understand what he was telling me, and most of all, I was not interested. One day I decided that if it was important to him, I would try to become more interested by learning how to play it. I borrowed his Game Boy and had him try to teach me how to play the game. It was hopeless. I tried for probably 20 minutes, but I just didn't get it. I could tell Mitchell was getting annoyed with my constant questions, so I finally gave up. Years later he told me that he remembered those 20 minutes because it meant so much to him that I was trying to connect with what was important to him. It was much easier when he was a teenager and became interested in guitar playing, songwriting, and singing. I am probably his biggest fan. Now it looks like I need to start watching football in the fall since that became a new interest for Isaac last season.
1. I've picked my battles, depending on their age. Some things are non-negotiable such as teeth brushing and no hitting. If I want to say "no" just because it's more convenient for me, then I shut my mouth and let them do what they want (such as scatter Legos all over their bedroom floor). If I say "no" out of habit, it will just frustrate them, and they will be more likely to battle me over the things that really do matter.
2. As they grow older, I allow more independence and give more responsibility so that by the time they're 18, I can treat them as adults in my home. By fourth grade, both my boys were capable of making their own breakfasts and lunches. As they grew older, their bedtimes became later. By high school, I no longer enforced my older son's bedtime at all. He got up and was ready on time every morning and maintained good grades, so no bedtime was necessary. He no longer had a curfew by 17, except for what was required by state law. He still had to tell me where he was going and when he'd be home. I also lifted my restriction of certain movies, TV shows, and books as he grew older. I just asked that he respect the values of our home, and he agreed.
3. Teaching at a middle and high school, I have witnessed many broken relationships between teens and their parents. One night as I was putting my oldest son to bed when he was about six or seven years old, I was struck by how much he loved and trusted me in that moment. I thought, "How can I keep him feeling this way into his teenage years?" I decided to monitor the temperature of our relationship on a daily basis. The Bible instructs us in Ephesians 4:26 not to let the sun go down while we are still angry. We usually think of that verse in relation to marriage, but why not apply it to our children? Those teenagers at my school who are angry with their parents were not born that way. Something triggered it. Mostly likely it began with a fight. Angry words were said, maybe on both sides. They went to bed angry and got up the next day, still angry. Day went into day, but that relationship of love and trust were never restored. Instead, hurt piled onto hurt. That doesn't mean I don't set limits with my kids so that they won't be angry with me. It means setting limits that are reasonable (see #1) and then reminding them of my love when they're upset with me: "I know you don't like me right now. That's OK. I still like you, and I have enough love for both of us."
I look awful in the picture below, but I love it. My son was so grumpy that evening at the fair, and I'm loving him right out of his funk. He was in a good mood by the time we were ready to go home.
4. I make a habit of catching them doing something good and praising them for it. I point out the specific thing I saw them do, and I commend them with sincerity. I make an extra effort to point out those things that show good character: kindness, responsibility, honesty, integrity, hard work, etc. Instead of saying, "You're so smart" when I see a good test grade, I say, "I can tell you really studied hard for this test." In addition to praising them for specific things they do, I give them messages telling them I love them just for who they are: "I'm so glad I'm your mom. I love having you for a son." I greet them with a smile and hug or kiss when they get home form school and when they get up in the morning. I do this even if I'm tired and wish they'd slept in longer. I let them know by actions as well as words that I like their company. Of course, it's important that kids feel loved, but I believe it's just as important that kids feel LIKED by their parents.
5. I become involved in what they are interested in. I can't emphasize how beneficial this has been in relationship building with my boys. When Mitchell was about nine, he got his first video game system, a handheld "Game Boy." He began to drive me crazy talking about the games ALL THE TIME. I had no experience playing these games, I didn't understand what he was telling me, and most of all, I was not interested. One day I decided that if it was important to him, I would try to become more interested by learning how to play it. I borrowed his Game Boy and had him try to teach me how to play the game. It was hopeless. I tried for probably 20 minutes, but I just didn't get it. I could tell Mitchell was getting annoyed with my constant questions, so I finally gave up. Years later he told me that he remembered those 20 minutes because it meant so much to him that I was trying to connect with what was important to him. It was much easier when he was a teenager and became interested in guitar playing, songwriting, and singing. I am probably his biggest fan. Now it looks like I need to start watching football in the fall since that became a new interest for Isaac last season.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Hospice
I had to quit writing on here for awhile because it was too difficult. I think I was going through more of a depression than I realized. My mom was put under hospice care a little over a week ago, and since that time it seems as though I've awakened from a fog or a nightmare. I don't know why that is. The first day she was signed up with hospice was a busy day. I had a ticket to a benefit concert that my niece was singing in, I had church afterwards, and I had laundry to do. While driving home after signing the hospice papers, all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry, but I couldn't because I was too busy. The rest of the day went by quickly, and I survived it. I even enjoyed myself. Being too busy was actually good for me this time. It made me realize that I still have a life to live, and I know Mom wants me to enjoy it. My grieving has been in fits and starts, usually in private, for nearly three years now. It's exhausting work. I know when she dies, the floodgates will open, and I will be undone for awhile. But I have this good week to remember that life is for the living, and I mean to do it well in her honor.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Farmington Square
Wow...it's been about 10 months since I've last posted. As it turned out, the neurologist in Salem refused to see Mom. He said she's not his patient anymore, and Dr. Quinn's "referral" wasn't worded in such a way that he was willing to see her. I tried to get that cleared up through Dr. Quinn's office, but it was to no avail. Before long, however, she began to show more signs of Lewy Body, so we accepted the diagnosis and gave up the idea that it was NPH. Even if it was NPH, her progression became so swift that we felt the damage was probably irreversible, anyway.
In March 2011 Mom began to have what we assume are hallucinations. Thank goodness they don't seem to be scary ones like many LBD patients have. Unfortunately, with the hallucinations came increased wandering. Especially troubling was that she would leave the house during the night. It was only into the back yard, but it was only a matter of time before she attempted to go out in the front. Additionally, she would often fall. The first time this happened was in the afternoon. Dad had been in the back room and went to check on her, but she was nowhere to be found. After looking through the house, he began to check the backyard. He has two sheds and a lean-to in the back. He finally found her in one of the sheds. She had fallen and couldn't get back up by herself. When questioned, she said she was looking for her "conscience." That night he found her outside in the shed at 4:00 in the morning. The next day, she headed out there after her bath in the evening. It was late enough to be dark outside. The next morning, Dad showed her every item in the shed, trying to help her identify what she was looking for. She just kept saying she was looking for her conscience.
This sort of thing continued and increased as the months passed. She became unable to walk without assistance as her falls became more frequent. She began to lose control of her bladder and bowels, especially when she fell. There was no way to reason with her to stay seated until she had someone to help her. Her ability to communicate became severaly impaired. The strain on dad was enormous. In June my sister and her daughters moved in for about 10 days while their house was renovated. During that time, my sister caught my mom trying to get out the front door "to see the midgets." Dad set up an alarm system to alert him when Mom tried to get out, but it was becoming increasingly apparent that Mom was no longer safe in her own home.
On Labor Day Weekend 2011, Mom moved to Farmington Square. She now is in a wheelchair much of the time and often needs help getting food to her mouth. She has good days where she'll repeat some words and phrases and bad days where she barely talks at all or slurs her speech when she does try to talk. She is unable to compose independent thoughts that make sense. I go see her every weekend and every Wednesday. I enjoy my time with her and never want to leave. The other residents are quite entertaining, but those are stories for another post.
In March 2011 Mom began to have what we assume are hallucinations. Thank goodness they don't seem to be scary ones like many LBD patients have. Unfortunately, with the hallucinations came increased wandering. Especially troubling was that she would leave the house during the night. It was only into the back yard, but it was only a matter of time before she attempted to go out in the front. Additionally, she would often fall. The first time this happened was in the afternoon. Dad had been in the back room and went to check on her, but she was nowhere to be found. After looking through the house, he began to check the backyard. He has two sheds and a lean-to in the back. He finally found her in one of the sheds. She had fallen and couldn't get back up by herself. When questioned, she said she was looking for her "conscience." That night he found her outside in the shed at 4:00 in the morning. The next day, she headed out there after her bath in the evening. It was late enough to be dark outside. The next morning, Dad showed her every item in the shed, trying to help her identify what she was looking for. She just kept saying she was looking for her conscience.
This sort of thing continued and increased as the months passed. She became unable to walk without assistance as her falls became more frequent. She began to lose control of her bladder and bowels, especially when she fell. There was no way to reason with her to stay seated until she had someone to help her. Her ability to communicate became severaly impaired. The strain on dad was enormous. In June my sister and her daughters moved in for about 10 days while their house was renovated. During that time, my sister caught my mom trying to get out the front door "to see the midgets." Dad set up an alarm system to alert him when Mom tried to get out, but it was becoming increasingly apparent that Mom was no longer safe in her own home.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Just One Good Day
Today was another trip to OHSU. My dad brought up normal pressure hydrocephalus (NPH) again. I've been frustrated before that he keeps bringing it up because I just want the whole diagnosis process to be over so that we can move forward. Dad wants another spinal tap. I admitted to him that I couldn't get the idea out of my head, either. It's our only chance to bring Mom back. The neurologist at OHSU doesn't think that's it at all. Bottom line, though, is that a spinal tap can't do any damage. The "cure" for NPH is a brain shunt. THAT is what could do more damage if she doesn't have NPH. But we won't do a brain shunt unless the spinal taps show definitive improvement. I'm asking for two, even three spinal taps. The neurologist advised us not to do it but agreed to refer us to the neurologist in Salem for this procedure. I told him we would not have peace in our hearts until we tried. I don't think my dad will be able to accept Mom's decline and impending death unless we rule NPH out entirely first. The neurologist has been giving her these little brain functioning tests. I don't know what a perfect score is, but in May she scored 27. In August she scored 25. Today she scored 20. On this test 15 and below is considered moderate to severe dementia. She's still considered mild to moderate. She said the date was January 2012 today. It's February 8, 2011. She said it's fall now.
On the way home, dad asked her if she felt satisfied with the appointment and how the neurologist is treating her condition. I get annoyed when people ask her how she feels about anything because her answer nine times out of ten is "I don't know." Today, however, after a long pause, she answered, "I wish he would give me just one good day." Just one good day. That's all she wants. I asked her what she would do with that day. She said, "I dont' know." I know what I would do with that day. I'd hold her and tell her how much I love her and miss her and beg her to stay with me.
On the way home, dad asked her if she felt satisfied with the appointment and how the neurologist is treating her condition. I get annoyed when people ask her how she feels about anything because her answer nine times out of ten is "I don't know." Today, however, after a long pause, she answered, "I wish he would give me just one good day." Just one good day. That's all she wants. I asked her what she would do with that day. She said, "I dont' know." I know what I would do with that day. I'd hold her and tell her how much I love her and miss her and beg her to stay with me.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Update
Wow. It's been a long time since I've posted, and so much has happened. Some of it is good stuff: I got to go to Europe with Mitchell for a choir trip, and it was an amazing experience. The countryside in Switzerland is the most beautiful place I've ever seen. I miss it. Since some of my ancestors are Swiss, I wonder if there is some sort of genetic pull there for me. It reminds me of a dream I had of Heaven, and I told Alan I'd like my ashes to be set free in the foothills of the Swiss alps.
Another highlight of my summer was Isaac finally learning to ride his bike and then pushing his dad and me to go riding with him nearly every day. I didn't go as often as Alan did, but I truly enjoyed the times I did go. Twice we went to Minto Brown together and had a wonderful ride in the sunshine. We also went to an area closer to our house with a lot of bike trails. It used to belong to Fairview, an organization that works with people with developmental delays. It was closed and the property purchased by a developer. Unfortunately for the developer, the economy has led to a lack of sales. Fortunately for us, the roads and bike trails are all paved, yet the population is so low that we usually get to use them by ourselves.
After my last post, we finally got a diagnosis for my mom. It's Lewy Body Dementia.
For more information about this disease, go to www.lbda.org.
I'm still plagued with doubts. What if it's not? What if she's simply overmedicated? What if it's something curable? But we've explored all those avenues, and the specialists all tell us that there is nothing we can do except try to slow it down with medication and wait for the end. I've struggled with depression since May. It's a hard diagnosis to face. It's the second most common dementia after Alzheimer's, but it's more devastating. Not only does it kill sooner, but the end is drug out and exceptionally hard on the families. If it follows its normal course, Mom will become hostile and have hallucinations. So far that hasn't happened, thank God. She'll lose her ability to walk and to bathe and dress herself. She'll probably need to wear Depends and be changed and cleaned up by her care takers. In the very end, she will choke and possibly vomit when eating. She may not be able to speak or if she can, she may not recognize us. All of that is going to be too much for my dad to handle who is in poor health himself. Will she go to a care home? Will I have to quit my job to make sure she's cared for properly? Will dad be able to live alone, or can he go with her? So many unknowns.
Soon after we got that diagnosis, dad's heart rate and blood pressure became so low that he had to go immediately to the hospital and had a pacemaker put in. I left for Europe soon after that. Three weeks after I came home, on August 2, my brother-in-law Lynn died unexpectedly in his sleep. My sister needed a lot of help after his death (and will probably always need help in different ways--yardwork, financial, car repair, etc.). Her friends and church and other relatives helped in the immediate aftermath, but I'm not sure how much longer others can help her. I worry about the stress it places on my dad because he's trying to do as much as he can to help her now that Lynn is gone. But before that, Lynn was helping Dad with his yardwork. I feel like there is now too much need in our family and not enough strength/time/money to meet all the needs. It's stressful, to say the least. We're out of balance.
God is good. I claim that. I believe that. Despite my circumstances, I have faith that God will provide and equip me and others to persevere through this time. Mom used to tell me that when the hard times come, God gives us resources we didn't know we had. I trust she's right about that. Faith is a good legacy to have.
Another highlight of my summer was Isaac finally learning to ride his bike and then pushing his dad and me to go riding with him nearly every day. I didn't go as often as Alan did, but I truly enjoyed the times I did go. Twice we went to Minto Brown together and had a wonderful ride in the sunshine. We also went to an area closer to our house with a lot of bike trails. It used to belong to Fairview, an organization that works with people with developmental delays. It was closed and the property purchased by a developer. Unfortunately for the developer, the economy has led to a lack of sales. Fortunately for us, the roads and bike trails are all paved, yet the population is so low that we usually get to use them by ourselves.
After my last post, we finally got a diagnosis for my mom. It's Lewy Body Dementia.
For more information about this disease, go to www.lbda.org.
I'm still plagued with doubts. What if it's not? What if she's simply overmedicated? What if it's something curable? But we've explored all those avenues, and the specialists all tell us that there is nothing we can do except try to slow it down with medication and wait for the end. I've struggled with depression since May. It's a hard diagnosis to face. It's the second most common dementia after Alzheimer's, but it's more devastating. Not only does it kill sooner, but the end is drug out and exceptionally hard on the families. If it follows its normal course, Mom will become hostile and have hallucinations. So far that hasn't happened, thank God. She'll lose her ability to walk and to bathe and dress herself. She'll probably need to wear Depends and be changed and cleaned up by her care takers. In the very end, she will choke and possibly vomit when eating. She may not be able to speak or if she can, she may not recognize us. All of that is going to be too much for my dad to handle who is in poor health himself. Will she go to a care home? Will I have to quit my job to make sure she's cared for properly? Will dad be able to live alone, or can he go with her? So many unknowns.
Soon after we got that diagnosis, dad's heart rate and blood pressure became so low that he had to go immediately to the hospital and had a pacemaker put in. I left for Europe soon after that. Three weeks after I came home, on August 2, my brother-in-law Lynn died unexpectedly in his sleep. My sister needed a lot of help after his death (and will probably always need help in different ways--yardwork, financial, car repair, etc.). Her friends and church and other relatives helped in the immediate aftermath, but I'm not sure how much longer others can help her. I worry about the stress it places on my dad because he's trying to do as much as he can to help her now that Lynn is gone. But before that, Lynn was helping Dad with his yardwork. I feel like there is now too much need in our family and not enough strength/time/money to meet all the needs. It's stressful, to say the least. We're out of balance.
God is good. I claim that. I believe that. Despite my circumstances, I have faith that God will provide and equip me and others to persevere through this time. Mom used to tell me that when the hard times come, God gives us resources we didn't know we had. I trust she's right about that. Faith is a good legacy to have.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Shout Out to My Aunts
If it weren't for my Aunt Mary and Aunt Lorene (Mom's sisters), and Aunt Ruth (Dad's sister), I don't know what I'd do. They have taken my parents to appointments, to pick up prescriptions, and to get groceries. They've brought food and had them over for dinner. They've taken Mom to the movies and have spent hours in the hospital with them. I haven't had to do grocery shopping for my parents the last two weekends because my aunts beat me to it! These women have been a huge blessing to me these past weeks. They make me feel like I'm not alone.
An update on my mom: We took her to the Salem neurologist, Dr. Wynn, last Monday. We told her we had seen improvements since he'd done her spinal tap in the hospital. He was skeptical until he asked her a few questions and had her walk for him. He said the changes were obvious and thought it was worth putting in the shunt; however, he'd like us to get a second opinion. He suggested OHSU. We told him we had an appointment there on May 27, but we thought it was too far away. He agreed and said he'd contact the neurologist she's scheduled with to see if we can get her in sooner. He was very positive about her neurologist up there, Dr. Quinn. He said we can't ask for better. He knows him from medical school.
Friday, April 9, 2010
The Guilt Trip
Isaac's school auction is coming up a week from tonight. Some stay-at-home moms whose children attend Sonshine have been working hard on it. I appreciate their hard work. I want to be supportive. I was the first or second parent in Isaac's class to donate items for the themed basket they plan to auction off. However, I keep seeing requests to volunteer and reminders to order tickets. I feel obligated to do so, but I know that life is too crazy right now to commit to much more than doctor's appointments. I decided that I would buy tickets the day before the auction if it turns out that I can go.
Anyway, today one of the auction coordinators asked me to order tickets when I picked up Isaac after school. I told her that my life is pretty insane right now. She responded, "Yes, I know. Mine is too." I thought to myself, "You may think you know, but lady...you have no idea!" I don't know her, so I didn't want to go into why my life is insane. But I resent her comment because basically, she was saying (in my interpretation), "Yeah, right. We're all busy. Look at me--I'm doing all the work here. You're just a slacker."
I wonder if she has to clean two houses and grocery shop for two households every weekend. I wonder if she has to plan and prepare low sodium/low saturated fat/low vitamin K/low cholesterol meals for her parents several times a week. I wonder if she takes both of her parents to their frequent doctor appointments. I wonder if she has to pick up prescriptions and run other errands for her parents in the evenings. I wonder if she goes to 2 different churches every weekend--her own on Saturday nights and her parent's on Sundays. I know she doesn't work full time or have a busy teenager to run around.
I hope I don't sound like I'm whining. Life is insane now, but it will ease up in another 2-3 weeks. I just am a little sensitive right now to any implication that I'm a slacker. Two of my close friends (Dana and Jenni) want me to join them for dinner that night. You know what? I believe I will.
Anyway, today one of the auction coordinators asked me to order tickets when I picked up Isaac after school. I told her that my life is pretty insane right now. She responded, "Yes, I know. Mine is too." I thought to myself, "You may think you know, but lady...you have no idea!" I don't know her, so I didn't want to go into why my life is insane. But I resent her comment because basically, she was saying (in my interpretation), "Yeah, right. We're all busy. Look at me--I'm doing all the work here. You're just a slacker."
I wonder if she has to clean two houses and grocery shop for two households every weekend. I wonder if she has to plan and prepare low sodium/low saturated fat/low vitamin K/low cholesterol meals for her parents several times a week. I wonder if she takes both of her parents to their frequent doctor appointments. I wonder if she has to pick up prescriptions and run other errands for her parents in the evenings. I wonder if she goes to 2 different churches every weekend--her own on Saturday nights and her parent's on Sundays. I know she doesn't work full time or have a busy teenager to run around.
I hope I don't sound like I'm whining. Life is insane now, but it will ease up in another 2-3 weeks. I just am a little sensitive right now to any implication that I'm a slacker. Two of my close friends (Dana and Jenni) want me to join them for dinner that night. You know what? I believe I will.
I Fall Apart, but It's a Good Thing!
The Wednesday before last I took my mom to her general practitioner to ask about normal pressure hydrocephalus. I asked to speak with the doctor privately. I pretty much cried through the whole discussion. I asked for a neurologist to look at the MRI, specifically looking for water on the brain. I asked for a spinal tap. The doctor basically told me that I just had to wait until her appointment at OHSU on May 27. She didn't think a spinal tap was warranted, and she was confident that if there was water on the brain, it would show up in the MRI written report. I told her that I could not wait until May 27--that Mom could be dead by then. I said I was taking her to the emergency room. She said that they wouldn't help me so not to bother. I told her one of my closest friends is an ER nurse (Dana) who has been trying to get me to bring her in since November. Dana told me that if I brought her to the ER, a neurologist would see her right away and run all sorts of tests on her to find out what is wrong. Dana was working that night. When I told the doctor this, she agreed to admit Mom but still said that she wouldn't order a spinal tap; the neurologist would have to do it if he found it warranted.
Long story short, the neurologist DID see signs of NPH and performed a spinal tap, removing several vials of cerebral-spinal fluid. He said that if it is NPH, she'd improve in a week or so. We do believe that she has improved. She is more animated, talks more, responds faster to questions, has better eye contact, and seems to walk better. Of course, the changes we see may only be our imagination fed by hope. But my aunt noticed improvement, and she didn't even know that fluid had been drained. We take her back to the neurologist on Monday. Hopefully he'll decide to insert a permanent shunt from her brain to her abdomen. The fluid will drain regularly that way and be eliminated. This procedure has had a lot of success in helping people to recover at least some if not most of their previous level of function. We have hope. That's more than we had a month ago.
Long story short, the neurologist DID see signs of NPH and performed a spinal tap, removing several vials of cerebral-spinal fluid. He said that if it is NPH, she'd improve in a week or so. We do believe that she has improved. She is more animated, talks more, responds faster to questions, has better eye contact, and seems to walk better. Of course, the changes we see may only be our imagination fed by hope. But my aunt noticed improvement, and she didn't even know that fluid had been drained. We take her back to the neurologist on Monday. Hopefully he'll decide to insert a permanent shunt from her brain to her abdomen. The fluid will drain regularly that way and be eliminated. This procedure has had a lot of success in helping people to recover at least some if not most of their previous level of function. We have hope. That's more than we had a month ago.
Monday, March 29, 2010
The Tattle Tale
I've been trying to impress upon Isaac the need to use a napkin instead of the front of his shirt to wipe his hands when eating. I realized he only got half the message the other night when we had this conversation:
Isaac: Mama, I've got to tell you something. Mitchell wipes his hands on his pants when he's eating potato chips.
Me (in mock horror): NO! That's terrible!
Isaac: Not me, though. I just lick 'em.
Isaac: Mama, I've got to tell you something. Mitchell wipes his hands on his pants when he's eating potato chips.
Me (in mock horror): NO! That's terrible!
Isaac: Not me, though. I just lick 'em.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
A Little Moment of Grace
I wrote about breaking down in tears in the first post while I was cleaning out my parents' refrigerator, but I didn't tell you the whole story. During that moment of despair, I felt utterly overwhelmed by the future before me. It looked as though the remainder of my "youthful" years would be spent in taking care of other people, and well, that's probably true. I imagined that when I'm finally released from my care taking duties, I'll be so worn out that I'll have a stroke or heart attack and die young or at least be debilitated. The thought was so heart-breaking that I just had to have a good cry. I began to pray during this little break down, and that's when God clearly said to me, "But my daughter, it's in this place of brokenness that you'll see me. Your life of abundance is just beginning. Just wait and see what I will do." No, I didn't hear an audible voice (I never do), but I know God is speaking to me when the thought I get is one that I'm not capable of having independently. I'm too selfish and shortsighted for that thought to have come from my own mind. And the peace of God that passes all understanding took over from there.
My Mom is a Zombie, but She Doesn't Want to Eat Me
My mom is like a zombie in many ways: She has very little facial expression now, but just stares straight ahead. Sometimes when people are talking with her, she won't even look at them. She's hunched forward and walks very slowly and stiffly. She can answer questions very briefly but doesn't initiate conversation very much at all. For being a zombie, though, she is still very sweet. She doesn't want to eat me and, in fact, shows no violent tendancies whatsoever. She just watches TV all the time. I don't mean to make light of her condition, but "zombie" is the most accurate picture I can provide. And without some humor, I will lose my mind.
My "real" mom isn't this person at all. My real mom should be planning elaborate parties with delicious food and even costumes. My real mom should be traveling to Europe, dragging my dad with her. She should be canoeing on a lake and hiking in the woods. My real mom should be taking an art class. She should be planning a family Easter dinner and egg hunt for my younger son Isaac. If her house is messy, it should be just because she's been too busy to clean it. My real mom should be preparing her garden to grow a plethora of strawberries, tomatoes, and zuchini. She should be taking her grandchildren to plays and concerts. This is the woman I grew up with. This is who she was until some vague time in late 2008. That seems to be when things started to change. Now I don't even know her anymore. Sometimes she'll look at me and smile, or she'll laugh at something funny Isaac says or does. Then I'll see my real mom for a moment, and I'll think to myself, "Ah, there she is!"
My "real" mom isn't this person at all. My real mom should be planning elaborate parties with delicious food and even costumes. My real mom should be traveling to Europe, dragging my dad with her. She should be canoeing on a lake and hiking in the woods. My real mom should be taking an art class. She should be planning a family Easter dinner and egg hunt for my younger son Isaac. If her house is messy, it should be just because she's been too busy to clean it. My real mom should be preparing her garden to grow a plethora of strawberries, tomatoes, and zuchini. She should be taking her grandchildren to plays and concerts. This is the woman I grew up with. This is who she was until some vague time in late 2008. That seems to be when things started to change. Now I don't even know her anymore. Sometimes she'll look at me and smile, or she'll laugh at something funny Isaac says or does. Then I'll see my real mom for a moment, and I'll think to myself, "Ah, there she is!"
"They Are so Lucky to Have You"
I have heard this a few times this past week from people who are impressed that I'm caring for my parents during their health crises. It always kind of surprises and saddens me. Every aging person should have someone who cares enough about their welfare to help them, but so many have no one. I don't necessarily feel like I "owe" it to my parents because that makes it sound like I'm a reluctant helper. It's more like a great opportunity that I have to return the love and care they gave me as I was growing up. So really, my desire to help them speaks mostly to how great they were as parents when I was young. You see, I was so lucky to have them. What was so great about them? I'll just list some highlights:
1. They both had high expectations for me and raised me to believe I could do anything I wanted to with my life.
2. They spent time with me--reading to me, playing with me, taking me places, watching my "performances."
3. They loved me even when I was unlovable.
4. They taught me not to harbor prejudices or see people as stereotypes.
5. They raised me to be (mostly) independent. (I still haven't changed my own oil or tires or mowed the lawn).
My sister is very different from me but equally loved. She helps as much as she can but has less "flexibility" in her work and family than I do. They are lucky to have her, too. So am I. My goal is to give my boys the same kinds of love my parents gave us, even though they are very different from each other, too.
1. They both had high expectations for me and raised me to believe I could do anything I wanted to with my life.
2. They spent time with me--reading to me, playing with me, taking me places, watching my "performances."
3. They loved me even when I was unlovable.
4. They taught me not to harbor prejudices or see people as stereotypes.
5. They raised me to be (mostly) independent. (I still haven't changed my own oil or tires or mowed the lawn).
My sister is very different from me but equally loved. She helps as much as she can but has less "flexibility" in her work and family than I do. They are lucky to have her, too. So am I. My goal is to give my boys the same kinds of love my parents gave us, even though they are very different from each other, too.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Dad is Home, but I'm Not
My dad came home from the hospital Monday (today is Wednesday). I've spent the night at their house since then and will continue through Sunday night. Isaac is staying with me since he doesn't have school this week and this way, Alan doesn't have to worry about getting him up and dressed and over to me in the mornings. Isaac and I have been sharing a double bed. He grinds his teeth in his sleep, over and over. His dentist told me she could tell he was a teeth grinder, but I had no idea it was this bad! No wonder his baby teeth are worn down to nubs. He gets two more pulled tomorrow for a total of 8 in the past month! One for each year of age. Poor little guy. But now his permanents can come in. Maybe when that pressure is off his gums he'll quit grinding.
I got to come home for a few hours this evening while my sister stays with our parents. Mitchell came home from Santa Fe today and arrived to our house just a few minutes ago (it's 7:30 at night now). He has to leave for choir tour at about 7:00 tomorrow morning. I need to wash a few loads of clothes and help get him packed for tour before going back to my parents' house tonight. In the morning, my aunt will come stay with my parents so that I can take Mitchell to meet the tour bus. A friend from my parents' church will come a little later in the morning so that I can take Isaac to the dentist.
Dad's really not that bad off now. The home health nurse came today and said he's doing great. It's just that if Mom needs help, he can't do much for her right now. We just never know from day to day how bad she'll be. Sometimes she falls down and has trouble getting back up. She forgets her words. She has trouble talking on the phone. Today she said she needed something new, but all she could do was indicate with her hands what she was looking for. She finally described it as "A thing to wipe down the aisles." What she meant was a squeegie to wipe down the shower walls.
We do have a bit of hope. Just the tiniest sliver that we're trying not to let get too big in case we're later disappointed. My sister knows someone with normal pressure hydrocephalus, and the symptoms sound much like Mom's. This particular condition is treated by putting a shunt into the brain to drain off the excess fluid into the abdomen where it can be absorbed. If found early enough (that might be our downfall), she could return to normal. It's too good to be true. I so desperately want to hear that this is the answer! I want my mom back!!! I called her doctor and made an appointment for next week to look into this.
I got to come home for a few hours this evening while my sister stays with our parents. Mitchell came home from Santa Fe today and arrived to our house just a few minutes ago (it's 7:30 at night now). He has to leave for choir tour at about 7:00 tomorrow morning. I need to wash a few loads of clothes and help get him packed for tour before going back to my parents' house tonight. In the morning, my aunt will come stay with my parents so that I can take Mitchell to meet the tour bus. A friend from my parents' church will come a little later in the morning so that I can take Isaac to the dentist.
Dad's really not that bad off now. The home health nurse came today and said he's doing great. It's just that if Mom needs help, he can't do much for her right now. We just never know from day to day how bad she'll be. Sometimes she falls down and has trouble getting back up. She forgets her words. She has trouble talking on the phone. Today she said she needed something new, but all she could do was indicate with her hands what she was looking for. She finally described it as "A thing to wipe down the aisles." What she meant was a squeegie to wipe down the shower walls.
We do have a bit of hope. Just the tiniest sliver that we're trying not to let get too big in case we're later disappointed. My sister knows someone with normal pressure hydrocephalus, and the symptoms sound much like Mom's. This particular condition is treated by putting a shunt into the brain to drain off the excess fluid into the abdomen where it can be absorbed. If found early enough (that might be our downfall), she could return to normal. It's too good to be true. I so desperately want to hear that this is the answer! I want my mom back!!! I called her doctor and made an appointment for next week to look into this.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Mom Is Acting Weird
I first noticed Mom acting "weird" over a year ago. She would forget why she'd just called me, she needed security to help her find her car in a parking lot, she stopped having the family over for weekly dinners, and Christmas 2007 she told me that when she went to the store, she'd forget what she came for. She also told me her thoughts kept swirling around in her head, and she couldn't get them to stop. She told her doctor she was having some memory problems, but he chalked it up to simple aging. She was 63. In June 2009, she forgot my birthday. The next day was my cousin's son's graduation party. She brought my birthday card to that event but forgot the graduation card. My birthday card was blank.
Later in the month, we spent a weekend together in the coastal mountains. She drove. It was terrifying. She tailgated at high speeds and didn't seem aware of the cars around her. She drove so fast that she fishtailed around curves along a cliffside on a gravel road. We shared a room in a lodge. She snored all night long. I didn't sleep for 2 nights. I talked with my dad, and he was concerned about her driving as well. We got her in to see a sleep specialist who diagnosed severe sleep apnea. She's been sleeping with a C-PAP machine ever since, but we've seen no change in her mental or physical state. If anything, she's worse. She may have sleep apnea, but it's not the cause of her symptoms like we'd hoped. We told her she can't drive anymore last July. We thought it would be temporary, but it's not. She used to pick up my kids from school for me. She can't do that anymore.
Later in the month, we spent a weekend together in the coastal mountains. She drove. It was terrifying. She tailgated at high speeds and didn't seem aware of the cars around her. She drove so fast that she fishtailed around curves along a cliffside on a gravel road. We shared a room in a lodge. She snored all night long. I didn't sleep for 2 nights. I talked with my dad, and he was concerned about her driving as well. We got her in to see a sleep specialist who diagnosed severe sleep apnea. She's been sleeping with a C-PAP machine ever since, but we've seen no change in her mental or physical state. If anything, she's worse. She may have sleep apnea, but it's not the cause of her symptoms like we'd hoped. We told her she can't drive anymore last July. We thought it would be temporary, but it's not. She used to pick up my kids from school for me. She can't do that anymore.
How Did It Get This Bad?
Why am I sitting at the computer when I am exhausted and should be in bed? My 76-year-old dad is spending his sixth night in the hospital following a valve replacement and quadruple bypass. My 66-year-old mom is getting ready to go to bed in my youngest son's room since she can't be left alone. My youngest son (just turned 8) is downstairs playing Wii with his dad, but in a half hour, he'll be taking his bath and then going to bed in his big brother's room. My oldest son (17) is in Santa Fe with his dad and stepmom. Today I took my mom home to my house where my husband and youngest son could keep an eye on her while I went grocery shopping in anticipation of my dad getting out of the hospital. It took a long time to look at the fat and sodium content on every label. I then took it to their empty house and opened their fridge. No room for anything! I started moving things around and grabbed a bag of tortillas. They were so hard that they would have shattered had I thrown them against the wall. Hmmm....better look further. Yep, there's a margarine container in the back on which my mom had carefully written "Sauteed Mushrooms September 2009." It's now March 2010. I open it. The smell of the rotten, now-liquified mushrooms makes me gag. Two garbage bags later, I'm done cleaning out the fridge. Some dairy items expired 3 years ago. How did it get this bad? I just cried.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)